"So now, all alone or not, you gotta walk ahead. Thing to remember is if we're all alone, then we're all together in that too" -PS I Love You
My husband and I met in College during our time volunteering through Americorp back in 2009. We were married in November of 2014 and for the first 2 years of marriage we tried to get pregnant on our own. Below are short diary entries of our journey thus far.
6/12/2016- Today is my 28th birthday. Your dad gave me the best present I have ever received- He shared that he was ready and wanting to start our family! On our wedding night we agreed that if we hadn't already gotten pregnant on our 2 year anniversary we would seek professional help. We knew there was a strong chance we were going to need help in creating you. Im excited to be starting this process sooner than expected!
9/30/2016- Today I went to see the fertility doctor for the first time. I went by myself because I didn't want your dad to be overwhelmed about the process. I needed to be strong for him. The doctors office was so sad- just a room full of mommies and daddies who are trying to make their baby. It was a unique feeling. So much hope for the future paired with so much pain in the present. I met with the doctor who was very nice. His name is Dr. Sanfilippo and both him and his nurses are nice. He outlined a plan for you starting with Hormone replacement therapy for 10 days, followed by my cycle. Once the cycle starts I need to have some blood work and an internal ultrasound done. Once my cycle is complete- I will need to have a SHG and HSG to make sure your 9 month home is in the best possible condition for you. If I can be honest- after the doctor left the room- I broke down in tears. It was overwhelming to say the least. The thought that you may not ever be scared me to my core! I know there are days where this journey wolnt be easy- but I MUST do this for both you and me. The thought of never knowing if you would be with us is more than my heart can bare.
10/5/2016- Today was your Aunt Courtnei's birthday party. We got to see your cousins Trace and Cailyn. I am on day 3 of my 10 day hormone replacement therapy. I started to feel hot and sick because of the meds. I sure it was just everything normalizing. I dont think I have ever been so excited to have a period in all of my life! Your cousin Cailyn fell asleep on me while sitting on the front porch. She is such a sweet little girl who has a special spot in my heart. It got me to thinking about me holding you on our front porch. I smiled
10/9/2016- Today is the last day of my hormone therapy- were off to the races now! The next round of testing should start within 10 days which puts us one day closer to finalizing our plan to get you!
10/14/2016-Today your dad and I went to Target to run some errands. I had to pick up tampons for my first period in nearly 5 years. While your too young to understand what that is. It made me so excited to know that the hormone replacement therapy worked and that my body is doing what it needs too. While at Target- I drug your Dad through the baby isle to look at cribs and strollers. We looked so silly trying to operate them. Neither your dad or I could figure out how to sit the stroller up! Good thing they give you 9 months to prepare for these things!
10/16/2016- Yesterday we went over to Grandma Lynn's house for dinner. She made macaroni fixed like spaghetti. We talked about you and what stroller you would have. Daddy said that if it had a beer/bottle cooler that I could buy any stroller I wanted.
10/17/2016- Today I went in for my blood work and internal ultrasound to make sure everything is looking good for your 9 month home. For the first time- the blood tech said my veins looked great which made me happy! I spoke with the ultrasound tech about next weeks procedures to get a better understanding as to what to expect. She was positive and said that I would be fine. I am nervous about the procedure but am excited to know that I am one step closer to becoming your mom. After the appointment, I had to do some work in the lobby and met the nicest woman! It was like we had been best friends forever- yet we had never met. She knew that we were trying, which shocked me because I didn't say anything about our journey to get you. She thinks your a boy- which i know would make your daddy over the moon! I just want you to be happy and healthy but would love to give your dad both a boy and a girl. He is going to be the best daddy in the world! At times, we will talk about you and what you will look like, who's features you will have, what your personality will be like. We are ready and want to be your parents. We know that right now you are watching down over us and when you and god are ready- you will be placed into our lives.
11/01/2016-Today is our 2 year anniversary and our results day at the infertility doctor. It looks like our egg and sperm counts are looking good as well as my uterus shape. Because I had not had a period in some time- the doctors wanted to schedule a DNC to remove the thickened lining and polyps inside my uterus to make room for you. The polyps are a bi product of PCOS and the thickened lining is a bi product of the lack of period. While the lining did thin some during my cycle it was not enough. The SHG showed that my right fallopian tube seems to have a minor block or scar tissue. Once healed from the DNC, another surgery may be necessary to clean up my fallopian tube from a cyst removal surgery that happened when I was 13. We may also need to undergo additional hormone therapy treatments for 3-6 months but the first step is the surgery. We have surgery scheduled to happen before Christmas. Forward Progress!
2/1/2017- Today we found out that your dad accepted a new job with a great company who has the same insurance plan allowing us to continue to go to our same infertility doctors.Your dad is such a selfless man to seek out an employer based on medical insurance provider just to give me you. You see- your dad found out the week before Thanksgiving that he had lost his job unexpectedly and we were crushed. Crushed because there was no reason for the lay off and especially right before the holiday season. Crushed because of the lack of income and financial stress this would cause but most of all crushed that someone could take away our ability to become parents. For weeks I was mad at the world for postponing our dreams of becoming parents. .We have the 1st surgery scheduled for April 25th- infertility week ironically. I will need to go through another round of hormone replacement therapy to bring on another cycle prior to surgery. Your daddy and I know that while this journey has certainly presented some unexpected detours, that we are on our way to becoming parents.
4/25/17- Today was surgery day. Last night I cried in your daddy's arms about how scared I was and that it felt like our time was never going to come. I showed him an outfit that I bought as a pre surgery pick me up. It was a grey knitted sweater and grey and white striped pants. While waiting to go back into surgery the fellow who would be preforming the surgery along side Dr. Sanfilippo was reexplaining the proceeding to Grandma Sheila and Daddy as to why it was necessary- something I had heard the doc explain for the last 6 months. She shared that they needed to remove the polyps and thickened lining to make room for you. She added that the HSG showed hyperplasia atypia which turns out to be 1 level below uterine cancer- CANCER!?! How did I miss such an important word for the last 6 months? Was this God placing ear muffs on me? As the fellow continued to explain the process before they rolled me into the OR I felt my body slowly shutting down. This couldn't be happening to me- not again, not now. You see- I had a uterine cancer scare right before I met your dad in 2009 where any questionable cells were removed during surgery and my margins had remained clear to this date. The doctors wanted to take the removed lining from today's surgery and test all of the cells with pathology to make sure that there were no cancer cells hiding below the surface. If the results come back negative- we will need to work with an endocrinologist and an oncologist to prescribe progesterone treatments to keep the lining thinned and to nourish my uterus with the correct vitamins needed to keep you safe.
4/26/17- After the surgery I was feeling pretty good. Minimal discomfort and bleeding. Just tired and trying to let my body rest and heal. Im still in shock over the "C" word used yesterday. I scheduled the post surgery follow up appointment for May 16th and my endocrinology apt for May 18th. Were hoping that after we are cleared that things will go smoothly.
4/28/17- Your dad and I got the phone call earlier this AM that the pathology report came back negative- praise GOD! However because of my underlying conditions Dr. Sanfilippo wants us to go and see an oncologist to triple check that we do not have any cancer cells hiding AND to get a suggestion on which progesterone treatment would be best for me. We also will need to visit my endocrinologist to get her blessing on the progesterone treatments as well. Turns out that progesterone can be like miracle grow for cancer cells. Its scary to think that we will have to actually see an oncologist. However its not near as scary as the thought of having to make a choice between you or me if the cells would progress to cancerous while pregnant with you. Would I choose to carry you to term and put myself at risk? Would I risk your life by brining you into the world too early to save myself? I'd never had to think about something so heavy before. . . my gut tells me that I would choose to carry you to term time and time again. While its is wonderful news that we do not have uterine cancer the news is still heavy on my heart and I'm numb. On one hand I'm happy that we are still moving forward. On the other hand, I'm sad that yet another barrier has been placed in front of us. You think that starting a family is such an exciting time and filled with so much joy. I cant help but feel as though we are being robbed in some way. While it may just be how I am feeling today- it feels like an endless train of doc apts, testings, consults etc. When are you going to be here, will I ever get to hold you? I shared with your daddy the moment we decided to start a family, I became a mama at heart. I hope that we are doing all of the right things and giving you the best chance possible. I think about you daily and will fight every battle ahead of us knowing that in the end we will have you.
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